I wrote a letter to my fear

I wrote a letter to my fear.

In fact, my fear has a name. Two names actually.
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Brad, and Stacy.
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Brad is in charge. He’s the “put your head down and just do as you’re told” kind of guy.

He plays things small and safe. He’s not interested in ambition. He’s interested in a sure thing. He’s grateful to have gotten the job and he doesn’t want to do anything to mess that up.

Stacy on the other hand…she’s just grateful to be here. She’s the ultimate people pleaser.

Ever the selfless Mom who just wants everyone around her to feel seen, safe, and catered to at all times.

Brad really tends to mistreat Stacy. Stacy is too meek to stand up for herself though. She just wants to be perfect, so she knows acutely what all her flaws are. Brad makes sure to remind her.

And though it hurts her, she also recognizes that it keeps her grounded, humble, and always aware how she might have room for improvement.

She stays with him because he keeps her safe. He provides a home. He’s consistent. There are no surprises with Brad, so Stacy doesn’t have to worry about things being up in the air. So Stacy does what she can to ensure that everything in their life has order, and peace.

That’s her job.

Are the kids cranky? Did they have a bad day? Let’s make sure to make them happy again, so that Brad doesn’t lash out in annoyance! Don’t want to make Brad upset now, do we?

Stacy is always trying to better herself so that Brad can feel proud. Especially since he places so much emphasis and value around proving yourself.

Stacy has taken a lot of classes, and is always trying to learn more about how to do things more efficiently. She’s a class addict.

Class on how to be a better parent? Yes, please! Class on how to meditate and stay grounded, yes please! Class on how to run a business? Sign me up! Class on how to get a better job? Yes, of course! Class on how to solve everyone’s problems? You betcha! And yet, with every class, Stacy just feels like she’ll never be good enough. She’ll never know enough. She’ll never quite get there.

So Stacy just focuses on ensuring that she is liked at all times, that she can please everyone around her to keep the peace, and cares for others while Brad keeps doing his consistent thing, and she doesn’t make any waves so that he doesn’t start criticizing everything she does.

She has to be CAREFUL. Careful, careful, careful. Pleasant! Sunny! Positive! Yes, that’s how you know life is going as planned. Everyone and everything is just perfect.
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Do you see what it’s like to be in my head? It’s not pleasant up there much of the time. As I’m sure is the case for a lot of people.

But separating myself from these parts of me has helped me to acknowledge that I am more than these voices.

I am the more grounded, whole, courageous part of me that doesn’t care about being “good enough” because I am inherently precious. Loved. Supported. Guided and meant for this world.

My worthiness is a given. A birthright. It is not dependent on external validation.

This part of me knows how to take the right next step. It’s the part of me that deeply loves who I am. The wise (mostly soft spoken) and level headed part of me that is not quick to judge, but instead quick to understand, to empathize, and be curious.

She thinks in complexity, nuance, and intuition.

She trusts herself. She respects herself. She honors her highest purpose and her heart.
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You can call this part - my soul, my divinity, my divine self.

And I believe that the beauty is we are all divine. We are all uniquely connected, whole and creatively resourceful.

It’s just that many of us have forgotten. We’ve lost ourselves amidst the craziness, the busyness of our lives. Lost to the struggles and pain. To the difficulties and the distractions.
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I would challenge you to find yourself again. To call out to the deepest part of you, the part that is quietly waiting in the wings for you to acknowledge it.

The part of you that would embrace you just as you are. That encourages you to shine brightly. That says there is nothing to apologize for, so please keep your “I’m sorrys” away from your lips. The part of you that uplifts you, embraces levity and laughs at all the little (and big) mistakes you make.

That delights in the mess. Like a toddler delighting in the mud. Squishing it between its toes and reveling in the amazement of owning a body. Available, here, and present to touch, to hear, to see, smell, and to taste this world.

Revel in the life you are living. The good and the bad. The ups and downs. The celebrations, the failures. These are uniquely yours to own.

Do not second guess your heart. Your heart will always speak truth. Begin to learn the difference between the voices in your head. The difference between the egoic mind that seeks validation and is never satisfied, or the heart of you that is deeply secure in yourself.

This part has pride, self-ownership and reverence for your precious life. It wants to speak. To lead. And to show you the way forward, if you would only trust.

Will you slow down just enough to listen? Will you pause and connect in silence? Listening for the straining whispers?
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You may need to instruct your fear to stay silent for once. To step aside and let you be, because you’ve got this.
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Which brings me to the letter I wrote to my fear. A letter of separation. Informing my fear that we are creating a new contract. That it is no longer welcome at the wheel of my life. And I share it with vulnerability and as an offering to inspire you to try this out for yourself.

Because who knows? Maybe your fear has been waiting for you all along to get your shit together and tell it off. :)

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Dear Brad and Stacy,

I’m writing to inform you that I will be going on an adventure from this point forward that will no longer require your assistance, involvement, and direction. I am deeply appreciative of all that you’ve created in my life.

Truly, without you I would not be where I am today, and would not have created the life that you supported me to create.

I’ve landed in a solid place, with lots of skills to serve me well. Skills that I think I ought to start mastering, and experimenting with in a different way than I have been.
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I am now in a place where I must venture off and figure out who I am without your voices, your advice, and your guidance.

Where I’m going will need a different team of experts, and supporters. Unfortunately for you, I’ll need my adventurers and artists, my scientists, my spiritually intuitive guides to accompany me on this quest, and I’ll need you to completely disengage.

From this point forward, you will no longer be in the driver’s seat of my life. You will no longer be allowed to call the shots, to choose the route, or make decisions about where we’ll make stops and for how long.

I say this because you’ve tended to make what you called “pit stops”, years too long permanent stays. Come on now, we’ve got places to go, people to see, and adventures to go on! How can I do that if you keep deciding to make the air bnb your retirement home??

I know that from time to time, you might want to point out an obstacle, or a potential danger ahead, but I’ll really need you to stay seated, remain calm, and put on some headphones or something, listen to some relaxing music, and keep your role as the back seat passenger. You know, how you used to when we were kids. Just enjoy the views out the window. Look at the cows! Isn’t it lovely to just relax and let someone else take the wheel?

So from here on out, I’m going to drive. And in order to drive effectively, smoothly, and at the speed I want to go; that feels just right, I’ll need no more of your distractions, criticisms, and hesitations. It’ll just cause me to crash, honestly. Or at the very least, it’ll feel like we’re at a crawling, stuttering pace.

My adventure guides have all the right skills and mindset to make this an exciting journey, and pivot where needed. They’ve got my back. They are happy you’re along for the ride (so long as you stay mute), and know that you love me. But they have some great plans for how to move ahead. They’re smart! Capable! Fun! They love me too! They know how to do things differently, that feels just right!
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They know when to stop and for how long, they appreciate the pit stops for what they are, and they don’t overstay their welcome. They know when to move on. When it feels right.

Right now, it’s time to move on. You know it, and I know it.

I know you might feel bad about this. I know this will be difficult for you. But we had a good ride, until it was no longer good anymore. I think you know it’s time. This relationship dynamic just isn’t serving us anymore, and I want you to know that it’s going to be okay. You can trust me.

The journey won’t always be easy, that’s not something I can ever promise, but even through the challenges that come along, I am strong. I am supported. I am capable. I am free. I am loved. I’ll know the best routes, detours, and bypasses to try out at the right times, or will be guided to them. And I will do my best to ensure that your efforts aren’t for naught. You’ll see.

Thanks for everything, and I hope you can understand. But even if you don’t, please just enjoy the view. Put on those headphones, relax, and be quiet. It’s imperative for the journey ahead. Again, trust me, I’ve got this.

Thanks so much for everything, Mari
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xoxo

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